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Whoever said “It’s easier to get a job when you already have one” has clearly not tried finding a job in the past few years.  I’ve never not had at least one  job in the last seven years, but I’ve always been looking for a different/better one, and have yet to get any!  I reply to want ads every few days, most either never respond, or respond right away with pre-generated spam designed to steal your personal information.  I have found this makes me pretty leery of most postings, especially on Craigslist.  So I have started to take some liberties and have fun with it.  The last posting I responded to promised a “casual work environment”, so I started my cover letter with “Hi!”.  They didn’t even list the name of the company, so who was I supposed to address it to?!?!

I have a theory too:  getting a job is like getting a boyfriend/girlfriend (which I also suck at, by the way).  It is a non-scientifically proven fact that girls always fall for the asshole.  Therefore, by acting like an asshole, the potential employer is more likely to fall for you (i.e. hire you).  It does seem that the people who walk into a place with the “you’re going to hire me attitude” are more likely to get the job.  I am still testing this theory.  And this attitude.

I would like to leave you with my favorite act of job seeking assholeness- my so-called ‘satirical’ resume.  Some of you may have already seen it, but the more exposure the better, right?! (Hey, it works for sunscreen!)

 

Hi, my name is...  (you are only privy to that if you might hire me)
CONTACT: Reply to this posting...
OBJECTIVE:  To lay all my random skills out there and see if anyone can find me a job that fits at least most of them.  I have a genius IQ and can't get a job with my real resume.  I am told I would be the ideal candidate for asissting an eccentric philanthropist, but I'm willing to explore my options.
EMPLOYMENT
2010-Present 		Private Tutor
  • I tutored my coworkers in math, international relations and western civilisations (because I’m smart)
  • I helped them write “A” papers (this proves I’m a good writer AND can meet deadlines!)
2006- Present 		A Popular Casual Dining Restaurant Chain
Jane-of-all-Trades (Server/Bartender/Trainer/ToGo Person/Expeditor)
  • I can put up with even the most obnoxious people with a smile on my face
  • I can take contradictory orders from different leadership sources
  • I can make delicious drinks
  • I can teach other people how to do menial things
2007-2009		Theme Park Halloween Event
Performer
  • I learned how to scare people so badly they pissed their pants
  • I learned how to tolerate being kicked, spat on, sat on, and almost pissed on
EDUMACATION
University Class of 2007
  • Bachelor’s of Business Administration in Management (Magna cum Laude)
  • Bachelor’s of Business Administration in International Business and Trade (Magna cum Laude)
  • Participated in the Hospitality Management Society
  • Was District Treasurer for Circle K (the service organization, not the convienience store) and in charge of the money and budget for the whole state and helping organize large conferences
High School Class of 2003
  • I was an overachiever, graduated in the top 20 of my class, was in multiple clubs (most of which I was the treasurer for), performed in school plays, and recieved my International Baccalaureate (IB) diploma (you know this is true because I can spell “baccalaureate”)
AWESOME RANDOM SKILLS YOU REALLY NEED TO KNOW ABOUT
  • I have quite an aptitude for learning languages, including:
    • French (semi-fluent)
    • Italian
    • Restaurant Spanish
    • Bible Class Hebrew
    • Arabic
    • American Sign Language (I especially like signing songs)
  • line dancing (I dance so awesomely everyone at the club tries to copy me)
  • swing dancing
  • I can find pretty much anything on the internet
  • alphabatizing things (I may have a mild case of C.D.O.- It’s like OCD but in alphabetical order)
  • I can walk and perform on drywall stilts
  • I have an uncanny ear for “that’s what she said” opportunities (this just shows that I am a good listener!)
  • I can drink whiskey straight from the bottle with no whiskey face (I don’t know how this is useful but people find it impressive at parties!)
  • I can make a delicious cocktail out of even the most odd and random selection of ingredients (you’ve been a bartender way too long when…..)
  • I make friends everywhere I go (it may have something to do with these awesome useless talents)
  • C++ programming (it’s been a while since I’ve done it but I bet it’s like riding a bike!)
  • I can french braid my own hair without even looking in a mirror (again, not sure how this is useful but it is impressive… and shows my dexterity)
  • writing poetry (I’ve had 9 poems published in anthologies)
  • I’m also good at writing other things (remember those papers?!) — I have a blog!
  • did I mention my genius IQ?
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4 Comments (+add yours?)

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