Recipe for Disaster

Ok, well, not for disaster per se, but nothing else seemed to make a catchy title.

Every year my job has a Thanksgiving dinner on the day before Thanksgiving for all the employees. This year, there is a contest for the best side dish and best dessert. I made Pumpkin Cheesecake for a party earlier this week, but decided it would not be very cost effective to make again. I decided to make my stand-by: brownies. And to be festive I found a Pumpkin Brownie recipe online. At least it said it was brownies. But what it turned out to be was more like, Pumpkin Cake or Pumpkin Bread. Which is not all that unique or different. Certainly not prize winning (although I did seem to get the perfect amount of spices in there!) So now, here I sit, with yet another disappointment (hey, it may seem small, but it’s just the straw that tips the scale, so to speak).

Good thing I still have half a cheesecake…. if only everything in life had a back up cheesecake….

This does not look like brownies!!!!!

2011-11-22 15.53.35.jpg

Want Ads

Whoever said “It’s easier to get a job when you already have one” has clearly not tried finding a job in the past few years.  I’ve never not had at least one  job in the last seven years, but I’ve always been looking for a different/better one, and have yet to get any!  I reply to want ads every few days, most either never respond, or respond right away with pre-generated spam designed to steal your personal information.  I have found this makes me pretty leery of most postings, especially on Craigslist.  So I have started to take some liberties and have fun with it.  The last posting I responded to promised a “casual work environment”, so I started my cover letter with “Hi!”.  They didn’t even list the name of the company, so who was I supposed to address it to?!?!

I have a theory too:  getting a job is like getting a boyfriend/girlfriend (which I also suck at, by the way).  It is a non-scientifically proven fact that girls always fall for the asshole.  Therefore, by acting like an asshole, the potential employer is more likely to fall for you (i.e. hire you).  It does seem that the people who walk into a place with the “you’re going to hire me attitude” are more likely to get the job.  I am still testing this theory.  And this attitude.

I would like to leave you with my favorite act of job seeking assholeness- my so-called ‘satirical’ resume.  Some of you may have already seen it, but the more exposure the better, right?! (Hey, it works for sunscreen!)


Hi, my name is...  (you are only privy to that if you might hire me)
CONTACT: Reply to this posting...
OBJECTIVE:  To lay all my random skills out there and see if anyone can find me a job that fits at least most of them.  I have a genius IQ and can't get a job with my real resume.  I am told I would be the ideal candidate for asissting an eccentric philanthropist, but I'm willing to explore my options.
2010-Present 		Private Tutor
  • I tutored my coworkers in math, international relations and western civilisations (because I’m smart)
  • I helped them write “A” papers (this proves I’m a good writer AND can meet deadlines!)
2006- Present 		A Popular Casual Dining Restaurant Chain
Jane-of-all-Trades (Server/Bartender/Trainer/ToGo Person/Expeditor)
  • I can put up with even the most obnoxious people with a smile on my face
  • I can take contradictory orders from different leadership sources
  • I can make delicious drinks
  • I can teach other people how to do menial things
2007-2009		Theme Park Halloween Event
  • I learned how to scare people so badly they pissed their pants
  • I learned how to tolerate being kicked, spat on, sat on, and almost pissed on
University Class of 2007
  • Bachelor’s of Business Administration in Management (Magna cum Laude)
  • Bachelor’s of Business Administration in International Business and Trade (Magna cum Laude)
  • Participated in the Hospitality Management Society
  • Was District Treasurer for Circle K (the service organization, not the convienience store) and in charge of the money and budget for the whole state and helping organize large conferences
High School Class of 2003
  • I was an overachiever, graduated in the top 20 of my class, was in multiple clubs (most of which I was the treasurer for), performed in school plays, and recieved my International Baccalaureate (IB) diploma (you know this is true because I can spell “baccalaureate”)
  • I have quite an aptitude for learning languages, including:
    • French (semi-fluent)
    • Italian
    • Restaurant Spanish
    • Bible Class Hebrew
    • Arabic
    • American Sign Language (I especially like signing songs)
  • line dancing (I dance so awesomely everyone at the club tries to copy me)
  • swing dancing
  • I can find pretty much anything on the internet
  • alphabatizing things (I may have a mild case of C.D.O.- It’s like OCD but in alphabetical order)
  • I can walk and perform on drywall stilts
  • I have an uncanny ear for “that’s what she said” opportunities (this just shows that I am a good listener!)
  • I can drink whiskey straight from the bottle with no whiskey face (I don’t know how this is useful but people find it impressive at parties!)
  • I can make a delicious cocktail out of even the most odd and random selection of ingredients (you’ve been a bartender way too long when…..)
  • I make friends everywhere I go (it may have something to do with these awesome useless talents)
  • C++ programming (it’s been a while since I’ve done it but I bet it’s like riding a bike!)
  • I can french braid my own hair without even looking in a mirror (again, not sure how this is useful but it is impressive… and shows my dexterity)
  • writing poetry (I’ve had 9 poems published in anthologies)
  • I’m also good at writing other things (remember those papers?!) — I have a blog!
  • did I mention my genius IQ?

Come on Down to Homelessville!

It has been requested of me to write a post on the homeless people we see all around town, so, being the good natured person that I am, I figured I would oblige this request.

First of all, to anyone who hasn’t been to Tampa, FL, I’m not sure you know how bad the homeless problem is here.  Unless maybe you live in another big city, but I digress.   If you drive down any street around here, especially one leading to a major interstate or US Highway, you will most likely see people begging on the median for change (and not the kind Obama offered!)  I do like that the city makes them wear bright yellow and orange caution vests so I don’t hit them in the road.  Sometimes, they offer you something for your change- like a bottle of water or the Sunday paper or some flowers.  This is actually respectable, I think.  Newsies back in the day were pretty much the same thing: poor, homeless people and orphans.  If you’re going to pay money for the paper anyways, you might as well help the guy out and buy it from him, plus you won’t even have to stop anywhere on your way to wherever to get it.

Then there’s the people that you have to wonder if they are really homeless or just lazy scam artists.  I remember my high school government teacher telling me how he went to Washington D.C. one time (where they apparently also had a large homeless problem) and saw a guy on crutches begging for money on the side of the road.  At the end of the day, he was driving back to his hotel and saw the same guy get up, throw his crutches in the back of his Ferrari, and drive off.  Apparently panhandling in D.C. really pays off!  Another friend of mine told me how she was downtown waiting for a tow truck after she was in an accident one time.  The homeless guy who had been begging at the median came across and asked is she needed any help, after politely declining, she watched him walk into HIS HOUSE! The homeless man had a house!  Another friend told me he saw a homeless man begging on one corner of he street, and on the corner across was a Flying J that had a “now hiring” sign.  When he pointed this out to the homeless man, he just said “They wouldn’t pay me enough”!

Then there’s also plenty of cases of where they say they are starving, so you offer to buy them a cheeseburger or something and they politely decline saying they already have food.  Well, then clearly they are not starving!  This is why I won’t give money to any of them, you can’t tell who, if anyone, is legit!  It’s sad that people are so lazy.  I work a crappy job so I can pay my bills, I’m sure they can find something!

Then there’s also the countless bums walking around places like Ybor and downtown St. Pete.  These bums are more scary I think.  When you see them, you are generally not protected by your car.  Then they tend to follow you around no matter how many times you protest and claim to only have plastic on you.  Most of these guys just want beer money.  If they were honest about it, I may even be tempted to help them out.  But let’s be honest, I need beer money too!  There are some homeless people that have a little more pride.  They, like the waterboys and newsies, what to give you something in exchange for their money, so they give you whatever random things they collected, like seeds or bags full of condoms.  Again, at least they are trying to help you out too.

I guess, when all is said and done, the homeless problem will never be as bad here as many other places.  Still, if you want my money you have to work for it.  Have a clever sign.  Offer me something in exchange for my money.  Show you are somehow going to ear my hard earned money.  Don’t try to scam me, it insults my intelligence, and that is one thing I will not tolerate being insulted!

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