Dear Love

Dear Love,

It was very nice meeting you the other day, but now I am sad that you had to go away.  Our time together was much too short, I dare say.  I searched my whole life for you, I wrote about you as a child.  It seems a cruel twist of fate I find you now, when it is too late.  I hope to see you again someday, preferably before I am old and gray.  I’d be a liar if I said I didn’t pray, for another twist of fate to bring us back together.  But our luck doesn’t work that way, remember?

I work so hard to find you and keep you, and I lose you still, I wonder why I even bother, I doubt if you ever will.

Sometimes I wonder, if I’ll ever see you again, Love.  And even if I do, will it ever be the same?  I’ll always remember how it was before you never even called me by my name.

Until we meet again, Love, I hope you’ll remember me here all alone.  I hope you’ll return one day and stay and then I can finally be at home.

Yours Truly,

Me

Ah, Sweet? Memories

I should be sleeping to try and kick my cold, but I have once again been distracted.  I was going to put something away and what should I come across but my old journal (I would say diary but that sounds so sixth grade!)  Naturally, I had to start reading it.  It starts a few months into my first semester at college.  It’s amazing how you tend to forget the bad things.  Which, actually, might explain why I don’t remember most of college.  Not that college was really that bad, but at the time I felt it was.  It was mainly just lonely.

In any case, I digress.  It goes on to talk about closure with the guy I loved all through high school… what I want my house to have when I grow up (I must say, I got about half of it!)  …  my whirlwind decision to run for and become Circle K District Treasurer (another chapter of my life I’d almost forgotten!)  … and of course it constantly recounts my ever persistent boy troubles (some things never change!)  But, despite all of that, is what I found next… my “List of Things to Do Before I Die”.

As far as I know, this is the first written list I have made of this type.  I chose to write about it because, while it is quite short, I have accomplished many of the things on it.  In my previous post I was somewhat despondent  at having not accomplished anything I wanted to.  Perhaps I set my goals to high?  This discovery gave me some strange sort of hope again.   So here is my earliest list…

  • live in a foreign country for at least 6 weeks
  • visit Hawaii (done in the summer of 2005 or 2006?)
  • graduate college cum laude (I actually one up-ed myself and graduated MAGNA cum laude)
  • publish a book of my poems and art
  • perform at least one line in a professional play/movie/tv show
  • get married
  • have a kid
  • learn Spanish (well I do know a good deal more than I did before…)
  • become fluent in French (judged by my attempt to write in French, I feel like I have digressed in this goal)
  • own my home (closed on my house in Feb 2009!)
  • take a road trip (depends how you define road trip…)
  • see the west coast of the U.S. (I will be doing this in less than two months and I am sooooooo excited!)
I know it probably means nothing to anyone but me, but it is always encouraging to really see all that you have accomplished, especially in such times of stagnation.

My Life In Song

I think it’s time I do this again.  It’s my life in song.  The nature of a good song is that at any given time someone can completely relate to it and say “wow, it’s almost like that song was written for me!”  There are so many songs that I can relate to in some way or another, but at any given time, certain ones tend to stick out even more.  So, here is my life at this moment in five songs….

It’s that time of year again.  The Holidays are piling on, everyone is working overtime, I’m fairly certain that almost all of my friends can relate to this song right now.  Hey, we can sleep when we’re dead, right!

I’m fairly certain I used this one in my last post like this.  Probably because it seriously fits me.  Only my nails ARE painted black.  And I only want to ride the mechanical bull:)  Take notes boys…

I’ve tried a lot of things in my life, some I’m better at than others, but mostly I have fairly useless talents.  Although I would like to thank everyone who has given me the chance lately to prove that I am actually intelligent and useful.  But I do love the nightlife.  And my Bud Light.  (Although Guinness would be even better- but I don’t expect to find Guinness in a country song- until I write one 😉 )

This one is because I pretty much want to live in the music video.  Also, no matter what, I want to dance.

This one is classic words of wisdom from a wise man- and also kinda the story of my life.  So here’s to hoping one day I can trust…

In any case, I hope you liked your musical break for the day.  I intend to do this every once in a while.  For my [revious post like this, see… Life is Like A Country Song!

Wisdom From the Back of a Tea Box

While I was waiting for the water to boil for my tea, I took the time to read the back of the box and found some really good advice there.  So I thought I’d share with y’all.

 

First, “Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.” ~Mark Twain

 

Ways to Add Joy to Your Daily Life:

1. Pay as much attention to the things that are working positively in your life as you do to those that are giving you trouble.

2. Rake a big pile of leaves every fall and jump in it with someone you love.

3.  Memorize your favorite love poem.

4. Learn three knock-knock jokes so you will always be ready to entertain children.

5. Don’t let weeds grow around your dreams.

6. Remember that everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something, and has lost something.

7. Regardless of the situation, react with class.

8. Let some things remain mysterious.

 

I thought these were some really good, really simple ways to be happy no matter what life throws at you.  Now who wants to jump in some leaves with me?!? 🙂

Quarter-Life Crisis

I feel like, after the accumulation of everything that has (and has not) happened this year, I have reached a quarter-life crisis.  This is different from a mid-life crisis in that I don’t have a need to buy a motorcycle or date a man half my age or get my year’s salary in plastic surgery.  But it is very similar in that I feel the strong need for change, big change, and soon.

Unfortunately, like everything about me, my desire is at opposite ends of the spectrum in this too.  On the one hand, I hear the quintessential “clock ticking” giving me the strong urge to mate and have a family.  Which I would absolutely love and is my ultimate goal in life.  But like everything I consider doing in life, I’m gravely afraid of screwing it up.  The other part of me wants to pick up and move across the country or get a job on a cruise ship and travel around the world.  The only problem with either of those plans is the house I bought in hopes of moving towards the first goal.

With conflicting goals I basically have to decide now which goal I would like to pursue for my life. That’s a tough decision to make at my age! And, unlike Miley Cyrus, I fear I cannot have the best of both worlds.  It can be so hard to figure out what I want- and it never seems to be the thing I want a few weeks later! All I can know for sure is what I don’t want. And what I don’t want is to be stuck in my crappy, dead-end job, making not even enough money to pay for the house I’m depressed to sit alone in and therefore try to avoid.

In school they give you guidance counselors to help tell you what classes you should take. Why can’t there be life counselors to help you make grown up choices? Why can’t there be someone telling you what job to get. Or where to live. Or, most helpful, who to date? Heck I’d take guidance on just one of those and be doing a heck of a lot better than where I’m at right now!

I don’t know where I’ll end up next year, but I feel like it will not be where I am now. I hope it is not. I’m not sure I could stand it if it were. All it takes is one big change, and I buy at least a few months before I get sick of that.  I’m trying. I’m exploring my options and weighing out their merits.  But like always, I’m too scared to jump. Too scared to make that change myself. I’m to the point where I need something that will force me to choose. Something that will leave me no other choice than the right one.  Some cataclysmic event to finally change my stagnant life and get it moving again.

So I sit and wait. And pray for a clear sign. At the end of the day, life is all about choices. And I’m terrified of making the wrong ones.

Boys are Dumb, Throw Rocks at Them

My boyfriend and I finally broke up last week.  O sad, boo hoo, don’t worry it’s nothing I’m not used to (unfortunately).  That’s beside the point though because unlike everything else in the past year, this really isn’t about him.  The funny thing is is that even without knowing that we were broken up, guys come out of the woodwork trying to get with me, claiming they love me, etc.  Only they don’t actually know me.  I like to believe in love at first sight, but you usually confirm it by dating someone for a little bit before actually admitting it.  Funny thing is, anyone who thought they might have loved me only need spend a month or two with me before they quickly realize they don’t.  I kind of come from a line of strong-willed and independent women. My family is fairly matriarchal for the most part.  So I can see where guys get scared off.  I’m a fairly pretty, smart, and sometimes fun girl.  But those are not things to base love on.  And trust me, unless you’re in my inner circle, that’s pretty much all you know of me.  A lot of people seem to think they know me and they don’t.

And on a separate, somewhat related, note- guys you’re probably not going to get very far with girls if you proposition them before you even ask their name. Newsflash, I am more than just a vagina, so fuck off.

All In The Family

So I have to say- I love my family.  I never realized just how awesome my family is until my sister’s wedding.  Not only did my mom’s side and my dad’s side come together, but I realized just how much everyone has to offer.  Whether it was doing hair or nails or makeup, or cooking or mixing drinks, or babysitting, or decorating, or taking pictures, or opening champagne, or giving advice on life, finances, and religion- everyone helped in some way or another.  Seriously, my family could start their own town! Okay, maybe not a town, but definitely a comprehensive wedding services package!  Or, a quick and cheap remodel service- got $3500 and 3 days?- you’ve got a new kitchen! O, I love my family!

Home is… where the Heart is?

previously posted on livejournal, July 07, 2010

You know the old saying “Home is Where the Heart Is”? Well I’m getting really confused then as to where my home is. I’ve put a lot of time and money into my house, and yet I can’t stand to be in it. My heart is certainly not back with my parents because, while I love them to death, I hate most everything else about that town. Not to mention that my “home” was never really there either. I’d like to think my home is with you, since my heart certainly is, but half the time we’re together I think about everything else I have to do. Perhaps the problem is that my heart is in too many places to ever really feel at home? And all I know is that if I’m gonna be sitting around doing nothing anyways, I’d rather sit around and do nothing with you. Of course I’d also love to do EVERYTHING with you, if only we could. I don’t know what else to do. I would ask that everyone who has a piece of my heart return it please, but I already know that it’s so damaged it wouldn’t even help. I fear I will never really belong anywhere in this world.

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